When you're experiencing the pain first hand, not only do you not believe anyone's suffering was as painful as yours, but also there's this need to protect it. Rationally, it didn't make sense for me to want to hold onto the pain, but emotionally I felt if I released it somehow it justified the behavior of the other person or took his "punishment" away. Perhaps, it was this need within me to want the other person to witness the pain caused by his actions; consequently, wanting him to suffer right along with me. What a sad circle of emotions in which to find yourself!!
I spent a great deal of time trying to overcome these jaded burdens, but wasn't getting anywhere on my own. Wm. Paul Young's book Cross Roads captures these human burdens as "poisonous grounds of broken hearts." How true!! Once I realized I wasn't getting anywhere in my healing by holding onto the pain and hurt, that's when I heard God!! My friends and family will tell you I felt God beating me upside the head with messages of forgiveness. In one month, I heard countless sermons and songs about forgiveness. I read books and blogs and scripture about forgiveness. In these battles God was fighting on my behalf, I listened. When I'd try to rationalize why I didn't want to forgive, the benefits for me were revealed. God calls us to forgive for US. He's telling us don't be defined by the wrongs against you. Don't let those actions of someone else hold you down in crippling despair. Release yourself from the pain and suffering. When I drafted my letter of forgiveness, I could feel the weights literally lifted from my shoulders. What a true example of the Holy Spirit's presence!!
Fighting against the secular human response of pride, jadedness, and hurt doesn't go away (when my girls are away, they return with a vengeance). But, how I respond to these moments has changed. I'm not defined by the pains, but rather by the gift from God to let Him bear my burdens. Praise God!!
Day 16: Heavenly Father, thank you for lifting our burdens. Sometimes, It is so difficult to see you through the murky waters of despair, but you are with us! Father, I pray for my loved ones in their moments of anguish. Lord, I want to circle their homes, their persons, and their hearts with your strength to lift their sorrows, their pains, their anger, their depression, their pride, their barriers, and anything holding them back from hearing you loud and clear.
Please Lord, work miracles in the marriages of those I love. I know these marriages can survive with you at the center. Remind them of the moments they fell in love, of the reasons they said I do, of the perfect love you've created in their hearts.
Please Lord, work miracles in the relationships of parents who have children to raise. So often, Jesus, I learn of disheartening situations in which parents use children against the other parent. Lord, don't let the children suffer at the hands of parents' decisions. Please work on the hearts of hurting parents who feel betrayed. Remind them why they became parents and chose the other to share in the creation of a new life together. All those with whom I ask for your presence at one time thought they would each be wonderful, loving mothers and fathers. Remind them, Lord. Please help them lift their brokenness to you and be the loving parents you envisioned.
Father God, have mercy on my friends for their mistakes. Have mercy on me for my mistakes. Thank you for your grace; we are not worthy, but so fortunate. Thank you for guiding us through the darkness of despair and leading us to a lightened load of positivity.
I love you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJxrX42WcjQ&sns=em
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