Day of Tables

This morning I awakened with that "need to flip the tables in the temple" kind of anger. If you haven't deduced from my other prayers, I'm a relatively slow to anger kind of person. Don't let me deceive you, I can certainly get angry, have been angry, and will be angered by something in the future. However, for the most part, my anger generally gets compartmentalized in order to deal with an immediate situation. Whether it be me figuring out how I'm going to move forward from a situation or how I can help comfort and support a loved one who's been wronged, I often respond as a fixer and deal with the anger later. The issue with this is when the anger surfaces, it's a little delayed, out of the blue, and doesn't seem connected to anything I'm facing at the moment.

I'm not sure what was the catalyst that brought my anger to the forefront, but it may have been a fantastic sermon delivered by our pastor Sunday. Among other things, he highlighted our call as Christians to love EVERYONE. Sure, in the big picture, I can embrace this fully and will share similarly with others. However, when I consider it at a personal level, I'm disheartened knowing I have a difficult time applying this principle toward someone who has hurt one of my children. 

My anger revolves around the pain suffered at the hands of selfishness. My anger resonates from the lack of recognition and protective reaction to the severity of a situation. My anger haunts me with painful childhood memories I'd like left in the past. My anger centers on my inability to protect my children from the evils of this world. 

Thankfully, I'm not ashamed of my anger because I don't think Jesus was ashamed of His. I think it demonstrates my passionate desire to avoid pain and injustice for me and others. However, releasing the anger appropriately can be the our turning point to or away from God. I turned to God today and shared my anger, sadness, and weakness. My human side desperately longs to react with physical harm to demonstrate the protective momma bear instinct. But, such an action might seem fulfilling in the moment, but later on would multiply my anger and sadness tenfold. Instead, I leaned on the One with whom my battles are fought. Instead, I sent my pleas toward Heaven begging for His protective intervention. Instead, I longed for His wisdom to calm my anguish and let the angry moment pass.

I beg of you friends, when you're at a point of flipping the tables, lean on our Heavenly Father for His direction and guidance. No matter how strong or right you think you are, ultimately, God's strength is greater and His rightness is perfect!! Trust Him to talk you down from the ledge of reactionary emotion.

Day 103: Heavenly Father, thank you for your constant presence. Thank you for slowing my reaction to the powerful emotion of anger to experience the benefits of paused reaction. Thank you for your wisdom, protection, and strength.

Lord, it is in these moments of raw humanness we have the opportunity to trust in your power. All too often, we think we know how to fix situations or gain some sort of vindication. The reality is we only create more chaos and dismay. I appreciate each emotion you've provided and the challenge to turn toward you when we are faced with the WWJD question. Today was an interesting one given Jesus quite literally flipped the tables in anger; however, it would seem in what may to me seem the greatest anguish, disrespecting your temple outweighs any concerns of mine.

Father God, your timing is impeccable. You spoke through Pastor Scott on Sunday to love all your creation...all of them...even the ones toward whom I may have anger. You rocked my foundation and loosened the anger I've compartmentalized. I'm still angry, Lord. But, I know through time and with your direction, this too shall pass.

Father, when your Son lay shredded and bloodied, were you angry? Did you desire vindication for your child? Did you feel sad or at a loss for what to do? In some selfish way, I hope we shared in our reactions to the harm of our children. Selfishly, it helps me feel connected to you in an unexplainable way.

I love you.

Source: http://thebiblicalinspirational.blogspot.com/2010/10/love-language-minute-handling-anger-in.html?m=1

Day of Direction

There are countless things I love about God (you know I can ramble, so probably best to leave it at "countless"). One of my favorite things is His direction. I am a person who loves to know what is expected of me. I like being told what to do. No, no, not some "1950s, woman go make me dinner, and rub my feet" kind of demands, but rather clear cut expectations for which I can achieve and surpass (hopefully). I do well with approval and affirmation (you may recall, my love language is Words of Affirmation, so this kind of makes sense). The military was a perfect setting for me because there are clear roles, expectations, and accolades for success.

God provides two directions which go hand in hand, in my humble opinion, and my favorites. First, the two greatest commandments: love God and love others. Second, disciple making: go and make disciples. We get these all jumbled and confused when we try to analyze them "what does this mean, what does that mean." In reality, they are extremely simple, at least for me. Even in my most confused and pained moments, I never stopped loving God or blamed Him for my circumstances. Heck, I wouldn't be who I am today, without God's love working through people to guide and protect me.

Some people have asked me how do I know He exists when I can't see Him. I answer very directly: I see Him everywhere. I see Him in my children. I see Him in my family. I see Him in the beauty of nature. I see Him in the compassionate neighbor. I see Him in a volunteer. I see Him, I feel Him, and I experience Him. This leads me to the second, experiencing His love. From a secular view, I suppose some might say I've been lucky to turn out the way I have. No luck, all love!! I was given a loving family to watch over me when my mother couldn't. I was welcomed by a spiritually nurturing church fostering my understanding and demonstrating God's nonjudgmental love of His people. I was placed on paths with supportive teachers, mentors, friends, coworkers, and bosses all looking out for me in ways most people may not have the pleasure of recognizing. It's easy for me to follow the second commandment as well because I want to share with others what I have experienced first hand.

Making disciples. Of course, it sounds hypocritical for me to say "don't analyze, just do" when I'm hosting a weekly community group to learn how to make disciples. But, the concept is simple to me. Jesus was the example, He taught the disciples what to do (and what not to do), He granted them great power, and said now go and do! Powerful stuff in a pretty simple concept. We even have the map to follow, if you will. Our jobs are relatively easy, emulate what is written in the Bible. Don't fear rejection, don't fear ridicule. You've been armed with the power of God: LOVE!!

Day 78: Heavenly Father, thank you for your Son, your direction, and your grace (when I get it wrong...a lot). Thank you for your patience with me when I complicate the simple with trying to rationalize away your intent. Thank you for protecting me from myself when I really don't know what's good for me, but think I do.

God, what an amazing honor it is to be tasked with spreading your love throughout the world. Perhaps, we only connect with those in our church family or maybe in our communities. But, every interaction showing your love can be multiplied exponentially. When we are able to understand we all have a part of the body, we all have a role in order for the body to function properly, you've prepared us with clear direction, and armed us with the greatest weapon, how can we lose? I pray for those struggling to understand their purpose. May you reveal to them the value they have in your church and the role they play to share your love with others.

Father, I don't know what John Lennon believed in his heart, but you must have placed something there for him to share the song Imagine. As I ponder the words, love resonates. At first glance, it appears he's very anti-You. But, you gave us love. Lennon says "let's live as one" through love. Hmmm...seems awfully Godly to me. I pray John did join you in the great Kingdom because he might be upset to realize You worked through him to share your love for all the people. Thank you for using all of us even those for which we may be surprised.

I love you.

Source: http://www.midlifedivorcerecovery.com/cheating-on-yourself/

Day of Light

Whew! Thank you for your patience as I've caught up on my prayer posts for last week. It is rare for me to feel overwhelmed, but this week certainly got the best of me. Thankfully, I have a God-centered determination to maintain this as a daily blog (if I ended a 365-day blog with only 363 prayers, I would feel like I failed...I'd never say someone else failed, but I'm sometimes terrible with the practice what you preach). This time I spend with God discussing my day or whatever consumes my thoughts has provided me fantastic insight into my successes and failures, my joys and concerns, and my confidences and fears.

I have never felt more confident the words I share with others are divinely inspired. Sometimes, I feel like there are some people who have just not experienced God's love in a way that helps lift them from the darkness in their lives. On the outside, they make excuses and blame others for the circumstances in which they find themselves, the "it's always someone else who put me in this situation" mentality. On the inside, however, they are stuck in a dark and dreary state of loss, shame, and confusion. They may not even know they are doing this to themselves. Denial can sometimes be unintentional because it's too frightening to admit we may actually be the cause of living in such darkness.

I hope my open prayers with God can help those who are stuck in the darkness to experience a connection with someone who shared similar circumstances. I want to express myself honestly and help others realize they too can live in the light and they don't have to climb out alone. They have loved ones, friends, acquaintances, and even strangers who are ready and willing to help pull them into the light and experience a new life filled with hope and love.

Day 75: Heavenly Father, thank you for using me in such a pivotal role to comfort and support others with direct and honest discourse. Thank you for providing me a venue to connect with people across the world expanding your love of the global church. Thank you for blessing me with words to transform, words to inspire, and words to invoke analysis of our inner selves.

Lord, directness can be scary for some people to accept. We've created a world of always wanting to feel good and wanting the easy fix. What we fail to realize is we are our own worst enemies. We want change, but don't want to do the work requiring change. We want different lives, but don't want to examine ourselves identifying some of our faults may be impeding our progress. We want to be pulled out of the darkness, but can't see the outstretched arms ready to help pull us out of the depths of despair. Ultimately, Lord, we need you, but refuse to see you when you're right in front of us. Thank you for never leaving us. Thank you for being ready when we are ready. Thank you for placing positive individuals in our lives to help us connect and lean on you through them.

Father God, I cannot imagine where my life would have ended up if I didn't lean on you. I cannot relate to depression because I believe you are the greatest anti-depressant money doesn't have to buy. I cannot imagine living a life of pessimism, despair, anger, loss, or confusion. I pity those stuck in the darkness and pray I can be used as a vessel to help lead them to your light. I pray you continue protecting those who are not ready to trust in you, but use those who care about them to lead them to a positive, loving relationship with you, our wonderful Counselor.

I love you.

Day of Rebirth

Yesterday was my birthday, but not just the celebration of my birth 38 years ago. More importantly, yesterday, I heard words which literally may cause a rebirth in the relationship with my mother.

First, let me say I miss my little brother. There isn't a day that goes by I don't think about him and wish his ornery self was still here threatening to kick some butt of any guy who has broken his big sister's heart (or trust). 

My mom and brother were best friends. In fact, growing up, I was pretty separate to much of the goings on because I didn't share that kind of relationship. Of course, it pained me and envy resonated. I exhausted myself trying to be "the obedient daughter, doing well in school, following rules, going to church, causing little drama" in hopes of one day experiencing a little glimpse of what it was like to be in my brother's world with an adoring mother.

Sadly, my efforts didn't reap the rewards I sought, so I redirected my attention toward life away from the situation. I've always loved my mother, but just never felt she could love me the way she did my brother (I assumed it had something to do with disdain for my father; a man I knew by name only). Thankfully, God used those pains to remind me of what was missing for me and return them tenfold through my parenting.

When my brother died, I feared my mother wished it was me not him. This is what years of feeling rejected can do. Miraculously, God is doing quite the opposite and working in our relationship...rebirthing it. I have been able to share severe, painful memories with her from my childhood. When I was younger, I felt betrayed wondering why I wasn't protected. Today, I feel liberated no longer keeping the memories to myself. I literally hear a protection in my mother's voice. Yesterday, she told me she wasn't a good mother. I never want her to feel that way because any experiences I had positive or negative have enabled me to be who I am. But, for her to say to the daughter who felt ignored she wasn't there for me; well, that's the beginning of a new relationship in which I'd love for her to try again!!

Day 66: Heavenly Father, thank you for providing a glimpse of hope in a sea of despair. Thank you for working within my relationship to foster a rebirth of sorts. Thank you for protecting my mother from herself to allow me the opportunity to experience what I've desired for so long.

Lord, I have a friend who shares similar childhood pains. She loves and trusts you, but doesn't share the same hope for her mother I have for mine. Can you please calm her spirits, heal her wounds, and reveal to her the potential when she tears down the walls protecting her heart? 

For so long, I have been in her position. I haven't wanted to get too close or take a chance when the expectation was to experience more pain. But, you brought me out of that, God! You broke through my protective, placater, survival mechanisms and told me just say it and trust me. Thank you!

Father God, I ask you to reveal your desire for me to fulfill your plan. I am curious if I will learn my spiritual gift from you for you is counseling.

I love you.

Day of Protection

Most people who know me would probably say I'm pretty patient and try to understand situations. But, when it comes to my daughters' comforts, the protective momma bear can strike if you're not careful.

Most people who know me also know I know what it's like to have a disinterested parent. It angers and pains me to witness my eldest experiencing even a glimpse of what disinterest from a parent feels like.

I desperately need God to work in me to find effective conversation tools to emphasize the dangers of lacking interest in your daughter's interests. With so much negativity in the world, I want to help alleviate some of life's burdens while my girls are still children because they have their entire adult lives to battle them.

Day 53: Heavenly Father, thank you for fostering a relationship of trust and comfort between me and my daughters. Thank you for making me question whether or not my desire to defend my daughter is objective or reactionary.

Lord, I know you are watching over us and I shouldn't worry, but I do. I fear my daughter will develop resentment and bitterness for experiences as a child. Please help me use the right words to build her up and help her focus on the positives of her relationship, not the negatives. 

Father God, I am so blessed to raise these two wonderful girls. They are growing into amazing young ladies who I pray will always find comfort in their relationship with you. Even though I am drawn to wanting to protect them with defensive words, I know lifting them up positively and teaching them to turn the other cheek is the best approach I can take. Please forgive me in my moments of weakness when I may react first and think later. I know you will always show me the appropriate path, I just need to pause, open my eyes, and see it.

I love you.