Day of Deserving

I've been debating with myself (as long as I don't answer, I'm okay, right?) on this topic for a couple of weeks now. Often, I indicate in my prayers with God how undeserving I am for His grace, but thankful He gives it to me anyway. But, I've been pondering whether or not I should say I am undeserving. God created me. He knew me before my mother knew me. He knew I would be riddled with sin before I even made my first mistake. He gave me life and loves me. Despite all my imperfections (and there are MANY), He said I was worth it to Him. So, should I say I am undeserving if God himself said "Child, I love you anyway?" Or, should I say I am deserving and thankful for His love despite the many ways I fall short.

Let's take the topic down from His upper story for a moment and consider your relationship with your children (for those who do not have children, think about your relationship with your parents or those to whom you lean for parental guidance and love). Would you want to hear from your children that they think they are undeserving of the countless times you've continued loving them even when they make mistakes? Would you want your children to feel they are undeserving of your love? Would you want your children to know they deserve your unconditional love because they are your children? This doesn't mean they should not be thankful, should not try to follow the rules, and should not take you for granted. It means they are deserving of your love and you grant them grace when they make mistakes. Sound familiar? 

Day 89: Heavenly Father, thank you for loving me. Thank you for giving me this awesome chance at a life close to you. Thank you for providing me free will to come to you to fill the empty void versus making me a God robot.

Lord, how should we receive your love? You know I love you and am thankful for your grace. Should my thanksgiving be in joyous celebration because you believed I was worth everything, even the loss of your Son? Or, should my thanksgiving be in relief that despite my many flaws, you grant me grace. It seems to me the first parallels more closely with the human parent-child relationship. Does it matter? Perhaps, for some to remain humble to your grace and love, they must consider themselves undeserving for fear pride and arrogance would make an appearance in the relationship if they viewed themselves deserving of your love. Perhaps to others, such as myself, knowing you view me as deserving helps me extend your love to others, even those who may not "deserve" it from a worldly perspective.

Father God, how extraordinary it is to ponder the dynamics of our relationship by way of prayer. I am thankful for this venue to share my thoughts with you and await your wisdom in all facets of my life. Thank you for providing an open and honest relationship with you. Thank you for allowing me to ask questions without fear of ridicule. Thank you for always revealing your answers in your time, as it is always the right time.

I love you.

Source: http://doseofencouragement.wordpress.com/2011/12/18/love-love-and-more-love/

Day of Rebirth

Yesterday was my birthday, but not just the celebration of my birth 38 years ago. More importantly, yesterday, I heard words which literally may cause a rebirth in the relationship with my mother.

First, let me say I miss my little brother. There isn't a day that goes by I don't think about him and wish his ornery self was still here threatening to kick some butt of any guy who has broken his big sister's heart (or trust). 

My mom and brother were best friends. In fact, growing up, I was pretty separate to much of the goings on because I didn't share that kind of relationship. Of course, it pained me and envy resonated. I exhausted myself trying to be "the obedient daughter, doing well in school, following rules, going to church, causing little drama" in hopes of one day experiencing a little glimpse of what it was like to be in my brother's world with an adoring mother.

Sadly, my efforts didn't reap the rewards I sought, so I redirected my attention toward life away from the situation. I've always loved my mother, but just never felt she could love me the way she did my brother (I assumed it had something to do with disdain for my father; a man I knew by name only). Thankfully, God used those pains to remind me of what was missing for me and return them tenfold through my parenting.

When my brother died, I feared my mother wished it was me not him. This is what years of feeling rejected can do. Miraculously, God is doing quite the opposite and working in our relationship...rebirthing it. I have been able to share severe, painful memories with her from my childhood. When I was younger, I felt betrayed wondering why I wasn't protected. Today, I feel liberated no longer keeping the memories to myself. I literally hear a protection in my mother's voice. Yesterday, she told me she wasn't a good mother. I never want her to feel that way because any experiences I had positive or negative have enabled me to be who I am. But, for her to say to the daughter who felt ignored she wasn't there for me; well, that's the beginning of a new relationship in which I'd love for her to try again!!

Day 66: Heavenly Father, thank you for providing a glimpse of hope in a sea of despair. Thank you for working within my relationship to foster a rebirth of sorts. Thank you for protecting my mother from herself to allow me the opportunity to experience what I've desired for so long.

Lord, I have a friend who shares similar childhood pains. She loves and trusts you, but doesn't share the same hope for her mother I have for mine. Can you please calm her spirits, heal her wounds, and reveal to her the potential when she tears down the walls protecting her heart? 

For so long, I have been in her position. I haven't wanted to get too close or take a chance when the expectation was to experience more pain. But, you brought me out of that, God! You broke through my protective, placater, survival mechanisms and told me just say it and trust me. Thank you!

Father God, I ask you to reveal your desire for me to fulfill your plan. I am curious if I will learn my spiritual gift from you for you is counseling.

I love you.

Day of Friending

What do you seek in friendship? I found it enlightening to learn today the average adult American only has two close friends! How is that even possible? No way, right?!? Just look at the hundreds of friends found on Facebook accounts, surely this statistic is wrong...or is it?

What defines a friend for you? Would you share your deepest secrets with all your FB buddies? Would you accept honest cristicism from your FB pals (or would you "unfriend" them at their audacity of being direct even if it hurt)? Would you help strengthen these FB friends even if it took 101 attempts before your efforts came to fruition?

Now ask yourself, again, what defines a friend? Although this reality may seem disheartening, truthful and objective evaluation of friendship selection can actually help us seek and find people with whom we can surround ourselves in support, honesty, and love!

God shares many friendships in the Bible for which I believe many of us would be shocked if we witnessed today. I love how God's lessons captured for us thousands of years ago are applicable today in the world of "friend lists" and "followers!"

Day 61: Heavenly Father, thank you for reminding me the foundations of fulfilling friendships are timeless in their application! Thank you for sharing your transformative message again through our pastor today! Thank you for "friending" me, even though sometimes I "hide" you in my news feed!

Lord, I desire to be like the friends you placed in David's life! I want to stregthen and uplift my friends. I don't like it when I lose my patience if my friends need repetitive support. Please forgive me when my black and white, take it or leave it approach impairs my ability to strengthen my friends.

Father, I want to be the person with whom my friends feel comfort and trust to confide in me. Despite the burden being a confidant may present, for friends, it's an honor, not a burden! Please forgive me when I haven't made time for my friends in need or been to consumed with myself to recognize when they need me.

God, I want to be the person who displays my love directly and honestly. You know I've struggled for so long trying to avoid conflict. But, Lord, this doesn't help my friends. The greatest expression of love is to share truthful dialogue. I ask your forgiveness when my conflict, hurt feelings avoidance has caused more harm than good!

I trust you and know your biblical lessons can fundamentally transform my relationships right before my very eyes!

I love you.

(As an aside, this is my friend Mindi? Could she be any more beautiful? I think not!!!)

Day of Bonding

The last couple of weekends has been filled with lots of bonding with my girls!! Last weekend was full of wrestling, supporting my daughter's teammates and cheering her on during the girls state  tournament!

This weekend, my girls and I jammed to Jamie Grace, Third Day, and Skillet along with Christians from all over Indiana. I can't think of a better first concert for my youngest. We enjoyed a reprieve between winter storms and squeezed in a some practice time on the bicycle and a swing date. When the temps started dropping, we howled with laughter watching "Everything is awesome!" Ending the weekend, we shared in fellowship while listening to a sermon applicable to anyone with friends (I hope that applies to all of you!) Quality time is extremely important!

Spending time together either doing activities or just hanging out promotes strength in relationships (no duh, Jasmine!) For some reason, however, even though we know this isn't rocket science, we overwhelm ourselves with other stuff we think is important. The reality is, in my humble opinion, strengthening relationships is far more important than having an empty sink or windows so clear birds don't see them (poor Windex birds), completing another workout at the gym, or responding to a few more work emails. 

We have 24 hours a day, but I don't think God's great plan includes consuming the majority of those hours cleaning, incessantly, exercising obsessively, or working exhaustively. If that were true, Jesus would have taught the greatest commandment is love God with all your might and the second is vacuum your floors religiously, burn calories exponentially, and work overtime obediently.

Day 60: Heavenly Father, thank you for providing me clarity in identifying priorities. Thank you for being the center of my life and funneling your positivity into my family. Thank you for the continued growth in the relationships with my children and the foundation for lasting friendships between us.

Lord, I wish I could help others experience the joy I have setting aside other activities when rainbow loom bracelets are requested! Housework is always present, yet we constantly tackle it as if we believe once it's complete, then we'll have time for fostering relationships. We tell ourselves once we look a little better physically, then we'll make time for our loved ones. We convince ourselves achieving certain statuses professionally helps relationships personally. 

God, how can I convince others even when their efforts are admirable (like working extra hours to pay bills or losing weight to be healthier), their lack of time bonding in relationships can have far greater detrimental impact than financial or physical. Or, Father, is it me who needs better understanding?

Father God, sometimes I struggle with seeing the gray when your direction seems so black and white. Please forgive me if my lack of understanding doesn't respect the struggles of others. I want to uphold your two greatest commandments by bringing people closer to you and help strengthen people's relationships!

I love you.

Day of Pursuit

When you think of things you've pursued with your whole heart, what things come to mind? Some might say a career, a status, a spouse, or a family. How often to you hear someone say Jesus?

I'm reading an eye-opening book right now titled "Not a Fan." It challenges the reader to determine whether or not she is a follower of Jesus or simply a fan. It's a difficult read because I view myself as a follower, but appear to be falling in line with many fans. At first I found this quite disheartening, but soon realized, it's ok. Recognition is the first step to change! 

Sometimes, I think maybe my openness regarding faith and my priorities in life have those who care about me concerned I'm "taking it too far." But, that's just where we differ in opinion (and I love their concern). For me, it's an all or none thing! Either I am fully committed to my relationship with Jesus Christ or I'm not. It's no different than a marriage. You're either all in, fully committed to the one with whom you've shared vows or you're not. Commitment isn't a part way, I'll give 75% of myself contract. It is giving all of you because you expect the same in return. The cool thing about this relationship with Christ, you don't have to worry about whether He was a man of His word!

Day 48: Heavenly Father, thank you for loving me before you even knew me. I understand the magnitude of this by loving my girls wholeheartedly before I even knew their names. Thank you for your faithfulness in me even when I appear to be a fan of yours.

Lord, am I on the right path to be called a follower? I know there isn't a checklist, but rather a point in time when I won't feel like I need to ask. I want to be like your disciples, dropping EVERYTHING when you said "follow me." Lately, I feel this transition within me desiring more...more knowledge, more prayer, more involvement, more commitment, more goose bumps. Perhaps, this is my "follow me" moment?

Father God, please provide me the clarity to pursue you through all the distractions. Please provide me the drive to remain when the aha! moments aren't constant. Please provide me the commitment to your teachings when there's an easier way out. I am in pursuit of you, your Son, and your Spirit. Just call me the Trinity Stalker!

I love you.

Source: http://www.ccfla.com/knowing-god-my-lifes-ultimate-pursuit/

Day of Love

Haha! Before we get all "what does she mean?" on me, let me clarify, this prayer is after witnessing something wonderful today at the gym.

When you were younger, did you envision yourself meeting someone, falling in love, and spending the rest of your days together? Well, at least many of us girls had these dreams!! Unfortunately, nearly half of marriages end in divorce; but, on the flip side, that means half of all marriages are going strong! This brings great joy to my heart to know for some, their vows were more than just words. 

Today, as I was doing my own little triathlon (in all the wrong order because my swimsuit was frozen and had to thaw...I'm a dork), I witnessed something extraordinarily beautiful. An older couple was walking hand-in-hand on the indoor track. They were even wearing the same shade of shirts and pants. How wonderful!! After all their years together, still holding hands!!!

Upon my second divorce, I was adamant I would never put myself in a similar situation again. In my pain, I claimed "I'd rather stay at bat, than strike out." But, as the pain diminished and I really started examining God's love, I recognized God doesn't want us to be alone. He designed us to be in relationship with someone. Who knows what great things God has in store for each of us, but I know I'm getting out of His way and just trust Him, even if it's a little scary.

Day 39: Heavenly Father, thank you for creating us out of love. I am filled with an abundance of joy knowing love was your motivation for me, my family, my friends, my church, all your people. Thank you for demonstrating the amazing benefits sharing love for others can bring. 

Lord, your Son's unfettered love for the broken should be a testament that everyone deserves to be loved. Can you reach down and comfort the estranged? Can you massage the hearts of those hurting and remind them of your presence and support? Please heal their brokenhearts and rescue them from their loneliness. Father, please lead us to a place to know love does still exist for each of us.

Father God, there is too much pain and suffering in this world binding people from experiencing the love you expect us to share. How do we overcome these burdens? I pray anyone who shared my sentiment about future relationships learns how reactionary that stance is and not your expectation of us. Thank you for loving me at my highest, lowest, and all points in between. I feel your wrapped arms around my heart and know you protect your children even when we may feel we're alone.

I love you.

Day of Opportunity

When you embark on a journey such as maintaining a blog, I don't think you really know what to expect. There might be some people who anticipate massive doting fans or others who only expect family and a few friends to peruse the blog periodically. Either expectation is totally fine in my humble opinion! Surprisingly, my number one priority has been me (for those of you who know me, saying my goal has been about me may contrast with my normal stance on things...shocker!!). Perhaps, I sound selfish, but when it comes to improving my prayer life, I'm totally okay with sounding selfish!

Even though my primary goal has been to improve my relationship with God, I did have a semblance of hope that maybe my little blog could help introduce someone to God, provide someone support in his daily walks with Christ, or help someone through a challenge by way of my own experiences. I never expected this public display of my prayer life would open up so many opportunities to transform others. Holy cow!! I'm completely humbled by the warm responses I have received thus far and fall to God's amazing power to work through His children in spreading His love.

Day 38: Heavenly Father, thank you for your continued presence with me every day. Sometimes, I don't know what to say to you; sometimes, I feel a little lost. But, Father, you always know exactly what needs to be said and when. I'm thankful I shut up long enough to hear you!!

God, why did you choose me? I feel inadequate in so many ways. I'm not a biblical expert. I can't quote scripture like many others. I've made many many mistakes. I falter daily. Father, why do I get to be the one to help guide others to a better understanding of you? Why do I get this opportunity to help initiate discussions about you? How do I speak to your plan, expectation, infinite wisdom when I am so little in comparison to your magnificence? Lord, why have you bestowed me this blessing when there are an infinite number of people more educated, more compassionate, more eloquent with their speech? 

Father God, you have blessed me beyond measure! I pray this little public display of prayer benefits others as much as it has me. I am your servant and am open to all the opportunities this blog presents. Thank you for choosing me for this important task.

I love you.

Day of Relationship

I feel like I'm on the verge of an epiphany. I'm not quite there yet, but as I've tried to embrace what God's true expectation is of me, I'm getting this sense (thank you Holy Spirit, my counselor) I'm close to opening a door which could fundamentally transform my relationship with God and, subsequently, all my relationships.

Several sermons ago, Scott explained God's two greatest commandments: 

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” (Matthew 22:37-40, NIV)

Of course, I've read this scripture countless times, but I'm not sure I heard it. God makes it pretty clear He wants to "do life with us!" He wants to be in relationship with us! I'd say He values relationship quite a bit, eh? 

So, here I am in life trying to follow some rules thinking somehow it will trigger this ethereal connection with God. The reality, I've been so focused on the rules, I've likely missed countless relationships in which I could feel a greater connection to God and His expectation for my life. I'm not saying, I'm gonna go hog wild sinnin' left and right as long as I am doing it in relation with others (wait, what?? 😳). What I'm saying is I'm going to use my relationships to help one another feel a genuine, loving connection with our Heavenly Father.

Day 35: Heavenly Father, thank you for this aha moment! Is this what you have been seeking all along? Have I had my priorities out of whack? Please forgive me for my blinders and countless missed opportunities.

It seems too simple, God! You are all powerful, full of wisdom, and creativity! Why don't you require us to follow some complicated schematic to fulfill your plan? Why do we complicate things? Are we products of our childhoods learning right from wrong, dos and don'ts, and we just follow this paradigm into adulthood? No wonder so many are lost!

But, Father God, you have provided us the lessons, guidance, and play-by-play all along. We've just misinterpreted. I pray I am hearing you clearly and can get out of my own way with all the self imposed restrictions in order to be one with you. My relationship with you, Father, is by far the most important in my life because everything benefits positively!

I love you.