Day of Loss (Again)

I'm going to admit, the repetitive prayers about loss got to me a bit this week. Since Thanksgiving, I have lost three very dear people to me. One completely by surprise and two others who had battled health issues for years and years. The loss of my brother was shocking and still hasn't settled into my understanding. On the outside, he gave the appearance of finding a productive place in this world; but on the inside, he faced demons far too many people encounter. It's not often I cannot find the explanation or rationale in situations, but I remain perplexed by his passing, devastated by his absence, and numb to the reality (even though I made his arrangements, it's still a foreign concept to admit he's gone).

The latter deaths are bittersweet. On the one hand, I am so thankful their sufferings are over and they are finally at rest; but, on the other hand, I miss them. I miss my late night texts with my friend. He always provided me sound judgment in a loving way. He was supportive and protective, more than just a neighbor, a member of my family. As the weather continues to warm (finally), I'll be spending more time on my porch swing. I'll never swing the same. My friend, even when fighting daily aches and pains, climbed into my attic in the middle of summer to help me hang my porch swing properly. I was definitely doing it incorrectly and would've busted my bum on the first attempt swinging had it not been for his offer of assistance. They had witnessed already my bum busting on a previous occasion when I tried to use my body weight to break off the remainder of a branch...OUCH!

My father-in-law and I had an amazing connection. Perhaps, it was our shared fondness for our time in the service, the friendly banter we exchanged in support of our branches (Air Force vs. Navy; USAF always on top!), his beautifully simple view of the world and the eloquence with which he could describe what a complicated mess we've made of it, his adoration for God and never questioning God's love or presence, his unconditional love for my eldest who he embraced as his granddaughter immediately. I miss his smile (okay, and his ears!!) The last time I saw him, I kissed his forehead as I always did and told him it wasn't goodbye, but rather I'd see him soon.

I guess this prayer is a little selfish today. I'm tired. I'm not sure why people say things come in threes, but I'm hoping they're right. I beg God for a bit of a reprieve at the losses. But, then I think about more loved ones who are aging and ailing. My exhaustion due to grief pales in comparison to the sufferings of others. As much as I beg for a break, I should be trusting God for strength if it is His will to call someone else home.

Day 77: Heavenly Father, thank you for the wonderful people you have placed in my life. Thank you for releasing them from the physical bondage of sickness. Thank you for your comfort as the grieving process prolongs long past memorials and life celebrations.

God, I'm supposed to celebrate when you welcome home a loved one. I'm supposed to be joyful when their suffering ends. Why is my heart burdened by grief? Did you design us to grieve this way or do we force ourselves to bear the weight of loss? Are we so consumed with what we lose we fail to recognize what your kingdom gains? How can we find balance in this, Lord? I want to demonstrate your love and share it with the world, but how do I explain to a grieving mother why your plan involves the loss of her child and what good came from such a loss? During the funeral this week, I was reminded suffering is one way to bring us closer to you. But, what if someone is angered by you? What if someone doesn't want to listen to a scholarly explanation and would rather just live in their anger? How do I pull them out of such pain? I pray for your wisdom to know what to say, to know how to respond, and to know how to comfort those who need your love, but reject it because they blame you for their loss.

Father God, death causes such a confusing state of questioning. I don't question you and your great plan, but I question my ability to be used by you when I don't know the answers. I pray for your forgiveness if I don't hear you clearly, if I don't see you clearly, and if I don't feel you clearly. I know your Spirit is always with me and you will lead the way, but in moments of reflection, I feel inferior. Thank you for blessing me with the spiritual gifts of encouragement and wisdom; please teach me how to use them.

I love you.

Source: http://www.duoparadigms.com/2013/03/04/15-beautiful-examples-of-christianbible-verse-typography/

Day of Comfort

When we learn someone is suffering from physical ailments or emotional pains, we hope for comfort and healing. Often those around us offer their thoughts, prayers, and words of support, but expect some otherworldly source to actual provide it. In fact, I'm ashamed to admit, but I've used the coined phrase "I'm praying for you," but only in the moment did I actually pray. Think for a moment when you've shared such words. Was it the standard response, a nicety if you will? Did you fully intend to pray, but failed to execute beyond saying those words? Did you genuinely spend time with God asking for His healing hand on those suffering.

This week marks another death of someone for whom I cared deeply, my former father-in-law. Regardless of the circumstances causing my divorce, my daughter's dad and I are friendly. I remain up-to-date on the ups and downs of his family as he has of mine. I'm thankful we have a mature relationship like this, if nothing more than to demonstrate to our children how to interact with others by showing God's love even when it's difficult or against human response.

I pray as this family receives an outpouring of condolences and offers of prayer, these words are genuine. I pray prayers of comfort and healing are extended to God with expectation He, in fact, can heal. The loss of a father (in my case, a grandfather who was like my father) doesn't get easier. I visit my grandfather's gravesite twice a year and ball my eyes out nearly six years later. But, with time and through God's loving hands the loss is easier to cope. 

Day 72: Heavenly Father, thank you for your love and support, comfort and healing. Thank you for always being available for our needs, but requiring us to reach to you. Thank you for your grace when we so often take you for granted and just expect this and that without putting in any work.

Lord, I pray you wrap your loving arms around this family consumed with grief at the loss of their patriarch. I know he is with you in the kingdom; what great warmth that brings to my heart. But, God, our loss of his presence is still painful. Although we should be celebrating with adoration and joy his physical battles are over and you've called your son home, but our loss of his presence is still painful. Even though without a doubt he is with you enjoying Georgia peach ice cream and sharing his orneriness, without being able to turn to watch him, our loss of his presence is still painful.

So, Father God, my plea is for comfort. Heal our despairing hearts as we mourn the loss of a compassionate, loving man. Dry our countless tears as we celebrate his life, but regret all those who did not get the pleasure of his acquaintance. Lift our bittersweet spirits as we joyously lift him to you, but desire to pull him back for one last smile, one last hug, one last kiss. Strengthen our worn bodies as the dust settles, the grieving overwhelms, and reality sets in. Despite our human grief, I am comforted to know your devoted servant trusted his life to you and ran into your arms when he was finally home.

I love you.

Day of Grace

I loved the Hunger Games series! Although the topic was rather barbaric, I found them fascinating by the storyline's unique quality. However, when I saw the first movie, I nearly left the theater five minutes into the movie. I read the same things depicted in the movie, but my imagination only let me visualize so much...thank goodness. When the same information was portrayed visually through someone else's imagination, I was overwhelmed with despair.

Similarly, most people have read or heard the description of Christ's crucifixion. Even though we've been told and read of it's horrific nature, it's really hard to process the true gruesome nature of it all through words. Have you seen Son of God? What about Passion of the Christ? The story's vivid portrayal of what Christ experienced all through man's cruelty is nearly too much to bear. I am convinced, it is only through the grace of God we walk the earth today. I don't know about you, but if either of my daughters suffered even a glimpse of the thrashing of our Savior, my animalistic Momma Bear would surface.

Day 67: Heavenly Father, thank you for your mercy and grace on such a self-serving people. Thank you for making us witness our own cruelty. Thank you for not treating us the way we have so harshly treated you.

Lord, what is it about humans that we continue sinning even though we have heard and "seen" what our sins cost and the manner in which you were lost? Is it not enough you sacrificed your only Son to save us? Is it not enough our evil ways forced a brutal, torcherous death? Is it not enough you saved us when we can't even put you first? Why are you gracious and merciful? How can we be created in your image yet treat you so viciously?

Father God, I am in awe by the measure of your love for us. We are not deserving. We are blessed by your grace and should work on ourselves to bestow such grace toward others. Thank you for still giving us a chance, despite our countless flaws and sins.

I love you.

Source: https://mubi.com/films/the-passion-of-the-christ

Day of Loss

I received very sad news today; a dear family friend passed away this morning. I've known this family since I moved into my house and considered them a part of my own family. He was such a loving, supportive friend and I will miss him greatly. Death challenges us to think about afterlife. I don't know what my friend's views were about God, but if his time here on earth is any testament to his spiritual life, I know I'll see him again soon.

Having lost my brother a couple of months ago and now my friend, I feel pretty heavy hearted. My pain stems from knowing I can't call or text them anymore. But, that seems pretty selfish...notice I said "I can't." If I try to step away from my sadness and focus on them, there is some comfort in knowing their physical and emotional battles are finally over. They don't have to suffer physical pain, medical treatment, financial hardship, addiction demons. They are at peace. I miss them and love them, but when I weigh my loss compared to their freedom, it comforts my heart.

Day 40: Heavenly Father, thank you for providing comfort for my broken heart. Thank you for helping me see past my own personal loss and focus on the freedom my loved ones now share. Thank you for allowing me to know this earthly life is only temporary and your great paradise awaits!

Lord, my friend's family has lost a husband, father, grandfather. Please embrace them in your loving arms, calm their spirits, and lift their sorrow. Even when we know the physical battles of illness are finally over, the loss of such a beloved person is almost too much to bear. I ask for your wisdom in speaking the needed words, relaying appropriate compassion, and providing support in whatever capacity asked. 

Father God, the pain we feel at the loss of a loved one surely pales in comparison to the loss you felt when Jesus took on the sins of the whole world. However, I still pray for anyone who has experienced the loss of a loved one and feels there is no way out from under their cloak of despair. Please heal their broken hearts and let them dwell in the joy of their memories.

I love you.