Day of Forgiveness

Despite God's call for us to forgive those who have harmed us in some way, it's difficult, don't you think? An easier said than done type scenario! From the human perspective, there is something about forgiving someone for a transgression against us that's unsettling. I think we fear if we are still hurt by the other person's actions we can't grant forgiveness, or somehow by forgiving we're lessening the responsibility of the other person's wrongdoing. In reality, forgiveness is really about the victim.

After my second divorce, I was convinced there was no way I was ever going to be able to forgive such actions because of the damaging effects of lost trust; the pain, and anger were so prevalent. Thankfully, I realized (by way of God beating me upside the head with messages about forgiveness for a month) not being able to forgive was making me resentful, jaded, angry, and bitter. I humbly submit, none of these characteristics describe me. When I notice something about my demeanor that is really outside of the everyday Jasmine, I try to stop and take notice. Of course, I'm certainly human experiencing similar responses to painful situations like everyone else. But, if I'm the vicitim, I am more irritated that the actions of the other person have thrown my loving, positive, cheerful demeanor off-kilter. This is where ownership comes into play.

You can choose to let the anger, hurt, and resentment consume you and all future relationships or you can forgive the person proclaiming "I'm not letting the pain caused by your actions hold me back any longer." Of course, it's a gift to the other person as well, don't worry...it's okay. How many times has God granted us forgiveness, mercy, and grace when we have been so clearly undeserving? Sometimes, in order to help ourselves move forward positively, we might have to allow someone else to move forward as well. It's okay to show a little bit of God love even to the transgressor...I promise no harm will come to you.

Here is a challenge: consider one relationship for which anger, irritation, and hurt resonate when you think about the person. Objectively examine the situation. Write out the pros/cons for forgiving the person. Ask God for the wisdom to know how to forgive; for His embrace as you step outside your comfort zone; and, let God work through your pen to draft a letter to the person proclaiming your forgiveness. It's important to list out each wrong and proclaim I FORGIVE YOU! That's it! You release it! You don't have to think about all the wrongs and pains once you forgive. They no longer keep you hostage from experiencing the loving  positivity God seeks from us!

Speaking from experience here: the burdens literally weighing down your shoulders will be lifted. You don't forget what happened, but the sting of it gets a little easier. This is extremely important when divorced parents are raising children. Remember: what happened between the parents should never interfere with their mutual love for their children!

Day 81: Heavenly Father, thank you for not giving up on me when you knew it was time to forgive. Thank you for working in me to share this message of hope and reflection for others. I ask for direction to forgive the two other people in my life I still cannot bear to release the weight of their transgressions.

God, strangely, the bitterness and anger originating from hurt feel like they provide some protective shield for our already broken emotions. However, despite the initial safety we might feel in such a protective bubble, it's so fragile and eventually pops. From here, we're left vulnerable, lost, and disconnected. Save us from ourselves, Lord! Lay on our hearts the DESIRE to forgive, not just the OBLIGATION to do so. 

Father God, I pray my relationship with my ex-husband can be a testament to those who are stuck in the worldly expectations of how people should interact if they've hurt one another. Thank you for healing broken hearts and providing opportunities to show your love in all things. Without your wisdom, direction, and grace, my little one would not witness two friendly parents who can put their history aside to care for their daughter. 

Thank you for instilling changes within your people and guiding our temporary lives in this world to love you and love others.

I love you.

Source: http://acelebrationofwomen.org/2013/03/does-forgiveness-really-matter%E2%80%8F/

Day of Loss (Again)

I'm going to admit, the repetitive prayers about loss got to me a bit this week. Since Thanksgiving, I have lost three very dear people to me. One completely by surprise and two others who had battled health issues for years and years. The loss of my brother was shocking and still hasn't settled into my understanding. On the outside, he gave the appearance of finding a productive place in this world; but on the inside, he faced demons far too many people encounter. It's not often I cannot find the explanation or rationale in situations, but I remain perplexed by his passing, devastated by his absence, and numb to the reality (even though I made his arrangements, it's still a foreign concept to admit he's gone).

The latter deaths are bittersweet. On the one hand, I am so thankful their sufferings are over and they are finally at rest; but, on the other hand, I miss them. I miss my late night texts with my friend. He always provided me sound judgment in a loving way. He was supportive and protective, more than just a neighbor, a member of my family. As the weather continues to warm (finally), I'll be spending more time on my porch swing. I'll never swing the same. My friend, even when fighting daily aches and pains, climbed into my attic in the middle of summer to help me hang my porch swing properly. I was definitely doing it incorrectly and would've busted my bum on the first attempt swinging had it not been for his offer of assistance. They had witnessed already my bum busting on a previous occasion when I tried to use my body weight to break off the remainder of a branch...OUCH!

My father-in-law and I had an amazing connection. Perhaps, it was our shared fondness for our time in the service, the friendly banter we exchanged in support of our branches (Air Force vs. Navy; USAF always on top!), his beautifully simple view of the world and the eloquence with which he could describe what a complicated mess we've made of it, his adoration for God and never questioning God's love or presence, his unconditional love for my eldest who he embraced as his granddaughter immediately. I miss his smile (okay, and his ears!!) The last time I saw him, I kissed his forehead as I always did and told him it wasn't goodbye, but rather I'd see him soon.

I guess this prayer is a little selfish today. I'm tired. I'm not sure why people say things come in threes, but I'm hoping they're right. I beg God for a bit of a reprieve at the losses. But, then I think about more loved ones who are aging and ailing. My exhaustion due to grief pales in comparison to the sufferings of others. As much as I beg for a break, I should be trusting God for strength if it is His will to call someone else home.

Day 77: Heavenly Father, thank you for the wonderful people you have placed in my life. Thank you for releasing them from the physical bondage of sickness. Thank you for your comfort as the grieving process prolongs long past memorials and life celebrations.

God, I'm supposed to celebrate when you welcome home a loved one. I'm supposed to be joyful when their suffering ends. Why is my heart burdened by grief? Did you design us to grieve this way or do we force ourselves to bear the weight of loss? Are we so consumed with what we lose we fail to recognize what your kingdom gains? How can we find balance in this, Lord? I want to demonstrate your love and share it with the world, but how do I explain to a grieving mother why your plan involves the loss of her child and what good came from such a loss? During the funeral this week, I was reminded suffering is one way to bring us closer to you. But, what if someone is angered by you? What if someone doesn't want to listen to a scholarly explanation and would rather just live in their anger? How do I pull them out of such pain? I pray for your wisdom to know what to say, to know how to respond, and to know how to comfort those who need your love, but reject it because they blame you for their loss.

Father God, death causes such a confusing state of questioning. I don't question you and your great plan, but I question my ability to be used by you when I don't know the answers. I pray for your forgiveness if I don't hear you clearly, if I don't see you clearly, and if I don't feel you clearly. I know your Spirit is always with me and you will lead the way, but in moments of reflection, I feel inferior. Thank you for blessing me with the spiritual gifts of encouragement and wisdom; please teach me how to use them.

I love you.

Source: http://www.duoparadigms.com/2013/03/04/15-beautiful-examples-of-christianbible-verse-typography/

Day of Comfort

When we learn someone is suffering from physical ailments or emotional pains, we hope for comfort and healing. Often those around us offer their thoughts, prayers, and words of support, but expect some otherworldly source to actual provide it. In fact, I'm ashamed to admit, but I've used the coined phrase "I'm praying for you," but only in the moment did I actually pray. Think for a moment when you've shared such words. Was it the standard response, a nicety if you will? Did you fully intend to pray, but failed to execute beyond saying those words? Did you genuinely spend time with God asking for His healing hand on those suffering.

This week marks another death of someone for whom I cared deeply, my former father-in-law. Regardless of the circumstances causing my divorce, my daughter's dad and I are friendly. I remain up-to-date on the ups and downs of his family as he has of mine. I'm thankful we have a mature relationship like this, if nothing more than to demonstrate to our children how to interact with others by showing God's love even when it's difficult or against human response.

I pray as this family receives an outpouring of condolences and offers of prayer, these words are genuine. I pray prayers of comfort and healing are extended to God with expectation He, in fact, can heal. The loss of a father (in my case, a grandfather who was like my father) doesn't get easier. I visit my grandfather's gravesite twice a year and ball my eyes out nearly six years later. But, with time and through God's loving hands the loss is easier to cope. 

Day 72: Heavenly Father, thank you for your love and support, comfort and healing. Thank you for always being available for our needs, but requiring us to reach to you. Thank you for your grace when we so often take you for granted and just expect this and that without putting in any work.

Lord, I pray you wrap your loving arms around this family consumed with grief at the loss of their patriarch. I know he is with you in the kingdom; what great warmth that brings to my heart. But, God, our loss of his presence is still painful. Although we should be celebrating with adoration and joy his physical battles are over and you've called your son home, but our loss of his presence is still painful. Even though without a doubt he is with you enjoying Georgia peach ice cream and sharing his orneriness, without being able to turn to watch him, our loss of his presence is still painful.

So, Father God, my plea is for comfort. Heal our despairing hearts as we mourn the loss of a compassionate, loving man. Dry our countless tears as we celebrate his life, but regret all those who did not get the pleasure of his acquaintance. Lift our bittersweet spirits as we joyously lift him to you, but desire to pull him back for one last smile, one last hug, one last kiss. Strengthen our worn bodies as the dust settles, the grieving overwhelms, and reality sets in. Despite our human grief, I am comforted to know your devoted servant trusted his life to you and ran into your arms when he was finally home.

I love you.

Day of Testimony

What is your testimony? Everyone has one. It's your life story that has brought you to where you are in your faith journey. Sometimes, it's painful childhood experiences from which God has provided rescue and comfort. Other times, it's the void God has filled in a life consumed with emptiness. Whatever your testimony, if you are able to share it with others (as painful or embarrassing as it may be), lives could be transformed!

Last Thursday, I had the opportunity to hear my daughter share her testimony. I already knew the intimate details, but to hear my daughter share openly and not focus on the circumstances, but the strength, comfort, and love God provided during the extremely difficult time is inspiring. Many who have suffered similarly to my daughter (the details are not important) fall victim to hurt, anger, and shame. But, rather than remain stuck in a see of despair, she cried out to God to lift and heal her. Her trust in God provides the strength necessary to not let negativity define you, but to let your release to God transform you.

Day 86: Heavenly Father, thank you for drawing my daughter to you in her time of despair. Thank you for using her as a testament to your miraculous healing power. 

Lord, my daughter's testimony has been the catalyst needed to start some discussions with kids experiencing similar circumstances. I'm so thankful for your healing power. I pray those kids who may begin to break through the protective shield of silence will lean on you for strength and comfort. Draw them out of despair, Lord, and reveal to them your presence and support. It's challenging for children who cannot see you to know their pains can still be healed through you. As I have needed, please bombard them with your presence so they may literally feel you holding them close.

Father God, please continue your work in your people who have suffered tragedy. They may blame you. They may deny you. They may condemn you. Lord, they know not what they do. They are blinded by pessimism and disbelief. Reveal yourself to them in a convincing manner for which they know only through you could such a vision be seen. We may not always have the strength to reach you, but you do.

I love you. 

Day of Rebirth

Yesterday was my birthday, but not just the celebration of my birth 38 years ago. More importantly, yesterday, I heard words which literally may cause a rebirth in the relationship with my mother.

First, let me say I miss my little brother. There isn't a day that goes by I don't think about him and wish his ornery self was still here threatening to kick some butt of any guy who has broken his big sister's heart (or trust). 

My mom and brother were best friends. In fact, growing up, I was pretty separate to much of the goings on because I didn't share that kind of relationship. Of course, it pained me and envy resonated. I exhausted myself trying to be "the obedient daughter, doing well in school, following rules, going to church, causing little drama" in hopes of one day experiencing a little glimpse of what it was like to be in my brother's world with an adoring mother.

Sadly, my efforts didn't reap the rewards I sought, so I redirected my attention toward life away from the situation. I've always loved my mother, but just never felt she could love me the way she did my brother (I assumed it had something to do with disdain for my father; a man I knew by name only). Thankfully, God used those pains to remind me of what was missing for me and return them tenfold through my parenting.

When my brother died, I feared my mother wished it was me not him. This is what years of feeling rejected can do. Miraculously, God is doing quite the opposite and working in our relationship...rebirthing it. I have been able to share severe, painful memories with her from my childhood. When I was younger, I felt betrayed wondering why I wasn't protected. Today, I feel liberated no longer keeping the memories to myself. I literally hear a protection in my mother's voice. Yesterday, she told me she wasn't a good mother. I never want her to feel that way because any experiences I had positive or negative have enabled me to be who I am. But, for her to say to the daughter who felt ignored she wasn't there for me; well, that's the beginning of a new relationship in which I'd love for her to try again!!

Day 66: Heavenly Father, thank you for providing a glimpse of hope in a sea of despair. Thank you for working within my relationship to foster a rebirth of sorts. Thank you for protecting my mother from herself to allow me the opportunity to experience what I've desired for so long.

Lord, I have a friend who shares similar childhood pains. She loves and trusts you, but doesn't share the same hope for her mother I have for mine. Can you please calm her spirits, heal her wounds, and reveal to her the potential when she tears down the walls protecting her heart? 

For so long, I have been in her position. I haven't wanted to get too close or take a chance when the expectation was to experience more pain. But, you brought me out of that, God! You broke through my protective, placater, survival mechanisms and told me just say it and trust me. Thank you!

Father God, I ask you to reveal your desire for me to fulfill your plan. I am curious if I will learn my spiritual gift from you for you is counseling.

I love you.

Day of Sensitivities

I'm a sensitive person. I cry often, both in joy and sorrow. I've been this way all my life. Generally speaking, it doesn't bother me. I'd like to think God created me with an extra dash of sensitive to help me be more empathetic to people's struggles. What an honor to be able to show God's love being attentive to the pains of others!

However, admittedly, on rare occasions it irritates me! Sometimes, I would like to be able to not give situations a second thought. Despite being confident the intent of my actions and words are genuinely out of love and care for others, when I'm caught off guard by a reaction I wasn't expecting, I'm lost. I am compelled to question my motives which can be downright exhausting emotionally, even though I know I try to come from a place of positivity. (I'm certainly not perfect and always growing, but I think I do an okay job in this area.) If I was able to have a more take it or leave it attitude knowing my intentions are to show God's love, I would save myself time obsessing the "what did I do or say?"

Sometimes, I just want to just let things go, but I have this desire to be liked. I'm not talking the "I wanna hang with the cool kids" kind of acceptance, but rather being the person everyone knows  through whom they can always experience God's love. It physically pains me when someone doesn't feel I've bestowed God's love to them through my words or actions.

Day 65: Heavenly Father, please help me embrace fully my sensitivities as a gift to share your love for others and not as an irritant when I just may not be someone's cup of tea. Thank you for instilling in me a desire for self evaluation and the motivation to mend relationships I may have harmed by my words or actions.

Lord, is there a balance to be found between being too sensitive and indifferent? Should a balance be sought? Is it dangerous to be too empathetic if it can be wearing emotionally? I pray for knowledge in this area and clarity for situations in which I feel an internal conflict. 

Father God, despite my temporary discomfort when things may not go as I expected they might, I am thankful you have created me this way. I want to honor and glorify you always, even if I must experience pains or turmoil to do so.

I love you.

Source: http://wwweamonreillydotcom.deviantart.com/art/The-Story-of-a-HSP-Highly-Sensitive-Person-384626930

Day of Masks

Pain stinks...period. I can't sugarcoat it. Whether physical, mental, or spiritual pain, it can cause you a world of hurt. Unfortunately, the only way to overcome pain is to face it; anything else is just masking the pain and prolonging its hold on you!

Today, I woke up perplexed by the previous night's lack of words to express my prayers to God. I was silent. Thankfully, I was silent. I was ready to observe. I was ready to listen. As I dropped off my daughter at school, I spoke to the before/after school care supervisor. He looked a little worse for wear; but, it was early, so I assumed he was tired.

In our brief exchange of pleasantries, it dawned on me he was more than just tired. Out of concern, I asked if he was feeling okay. What I learned next hits home with me on many levels. He was overcoming the pains of having his stomach pumped three times resulting from alcohol poisoning. This guy is in his 20s, the stereotypical party age! He must've consumed an excessive amount of alcohol to suffer so much! 

Knowing we'd both served in the military and he'd been injured in combat, I started connecting the dots. I asked if he suffered PTSD. Sadly, he does and meets with VA counselors periodically. Unfortunately, like so many people, the pains were too great from combat, he used alcohol to mask them. After being injured, he drank heavily, quit cold turkey, and when the memories consumed him again, he masked them with alcohol again.

Masks keep us spiraling out of control. We need more and more masks to keep our pains at bay. The more we retreat behind the masks, the deeper we fall. 

Pain stinks...period. It's hard to face it. But, with God as your counselor, you can face the greatest pains the human race has ever suffered. Give it to God and let your healing begin!

Day 57: Heavenly Father, thank you for providing me the opportunity to speak with this young man today. Thank you for providing the words to speak compassionately, yet directly. Thank you for helping me use the tragic loss of my brother as a connecting point to support this young man.

Father God, too many people for whom I care use masks to cope rather than face pains. I want to scream from a mountain "you're not alone!! God, loves you and wants you to let Him help you!" Lord, I want to plead exhaustively! It hurts to know people can't lift their pains to you and instead rely on their own destructive, coping mechanisms. How can I help?!?

Lord in Heaven, I plead for your direct presence in the life of this young man. He's lost. He hurts. He's confused. He's suffering. Perhaps, this wake up call was indeed your intercession in his life. I pray he will recognize his pain can be healed by facing it with you by his side.

Please use me Lord to help this young man in any capacity for which you deem my involvement can be helpful.

I love you.

Source: http://daughterbydesign.wordpress.com/2012/10/12/the-masks-we-wear/put-away-the-mask/

Day of Loss

I received very sad news today; a dear family friend passed away this morning. I've known this family since I moved into my house and considered them a part of my own family. He was such a loving, supportive friend and I will miss him greatly. Death challenges us to think about afterlife. I don't know what my friend's views were about God, but if his time here on earth is any testament to his spiritual life, I know I'll see him again soon.

Having lost my brother a couple of months ago and now my friend, I feel pretty heavy hearted. My pain stems from knowing I can't call or text them anymore. But, that seems pretty selfish...notice I said "I can't." If I try to step away from my sadness and focus on them, there is some comfort in knowing their physical and emotional battles are finally over. They don't have to suffer physical pain, medical treatment, financial hardship, addiction demons. They are at peace. I miss them and love them, but when I weigh my loss compared to their freedom, it comforts my heart.

Day 40: Heavenly Father, thank you for providing comfort for my broken heart. Thank you for helping me see past my own personal loss and focus on the freedom my loved ones now share. Thank you for allowing me to know this earthly life is only temporary and your great paradise awaits!

Lord, my friend's family has lost a husband, father, grandfather. Please embrace them in your loving arms, calm their spirits, and lift their sorrow. Even when we know the physical battles of illness are finally over, the loss of such a beloved person is almost too much to bear. I ask for your wisdom in speaking the needed words, relaying appropriate compassion, and providing support in whatever capacity asked. 

Father God, the pain we feel at the loss of a loved one surely pales in comparison to the loss you felt when Jesus took on the sins of the whole world. However, I still pray for anyone who has experienced the loss of a loved one and feels there is no way out from under their cloak of despair. Please heal their broken hearts and let them dwell in the joy of their memories.

I love you.